my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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