My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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