coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
