I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
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there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
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I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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