Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
