I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
