Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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