Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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