Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My dick has a subreddit
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
