Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
