If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
send nudes
from the living room?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
