I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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