I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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