Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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