I'm lost and stupid without you.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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