i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
