Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
