So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
