looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
