That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
