So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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