Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The uberlube is also flammable
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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