it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
