haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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