Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
