I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
