you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
