The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
