even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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