Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
