Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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