my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Is Oprah even human
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
