Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
