I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
