Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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