There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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