Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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