I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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