You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
