the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
