i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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