why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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