Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
