they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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