im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Success! We fucked roommates!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
