Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
