You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
