So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
