My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
