tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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