I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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