i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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