one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
