In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
