Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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