Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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