I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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