You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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