I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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