you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
