We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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