in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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