My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
