I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
